


take what you want, return what you get

by orphan_account



Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types, Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Found Family, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lesbian Lydia Deetz, Multi, beetleb/bes makes me so uncomfortable so pls don't interact, everyone in the deetz-maitland house is bisexual except for beej, i'm gonna regret posting this in the morning but THE NIGHT IS YOUNG, in which he is pan, lydia and beej argue A LOT in this but they probably watched weird youtube videos at 3am after this, the title makes NO SENSE i just have starkid stuck in my head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:26:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23340925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: the lydsterbeejbeej!!!!ghost with the mostwhatthe lydsterso as you know my birthday is coming upfebruary 19thand i overheard dad, delia, and the maitlands talking about my birthday presentso i need you to secretly join the their group chatand find out what they're getting me---Lydia is impaitent for her birthday, so she asks Beej to find out what she got. Then typical shenanigans that go on in the Deetz-Maitland household ensue.
Relationships: Beetlejuice & Lydia Deetz, Beetlejuice/Adam Maitland/Barbara Maitland (heavily implied), Charles Deetz/Delia Deetz (background), Wednesday Addams/Lydia Deetz (background)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 146





	take what you want, return what you get

**Author's Note:**

> This is more of a writing practice??? I don't really know its a chatfic
> 
> sorry if this seems really fastpaced ://  
> also the formatting is kinda weird so????? sorry about that

_ 5:27 PM - february 14th _

[ghost with the most -> the lydster]

**** **the lydster**

beej

beej!!!!

**ghost with the most**

what

**the lydster**

so as you know my birthday is coming up

february 19th

and i overheard dad, delia, and the maitlands talking about my birthday present

so i need you to secretly join the their group chat

and find out what they're getting me

**ghost with the most**

they have a groupchat???

**the lydster**

yeah i’ve seen it on barbara’s phone when i had to borrow it because someone disabled my phone for 1 hour

im still not over that btw

**ghost with the most**

be quiet lyds theres more important things at hand

why was me, the coolest person in this family, not invited to the chat

**the lydster**

from what it seems like its a groupchat with all the adults

**ghost with the most**

?!??!! I went to Julliard?????

**the lydster**

yeah well when we go to aunt zepora’s house for holidays or family get-togethers you sit at the kiddie table

also you laugh your ass off when you hear a joe mama joke

**ghost with the most**

BUT THEY’RE FUNNY!!!

**the lydster**

beej they are the opposite of funny

**ghost with the most**

whatever

wait why are you even so concerned abt ur gift

u didn't ask me abt the gift i got you

**the lydster**

yeah about that

**ghost with the most**

!!!!LYDIA???

**the lydster**

idk what exactly it is so

all i know that it looks weird

**ghost with the most**

i,,,,,,,,,

well im gonna go spy on the adults now

_ 5:48 PM _

**ghost with the most**

lydia i have a dilemma

a problem i’ve been trying to solve for the past minute

**the lydster**

what???

did u get caught

**ghost with the most**

no i did not get caught

how could i get caught when i cannot JOIN TJE CHAT

**the lydster**

oh damn

i didn’t think about that

oh yeah wait

delia went to the garden an hour ago and she left her phone on the kitchen counter

take it so you can invite urself

**ghost with the most**

????an hour ago

**ghost with the most**

alright

wait you're home???

**the lydster**

yeah??? i’m on the couch rn

where else would i be

**ghost with the most**

the library? your job? school?

**the lydster**

#1 - if i was at the library my phone would be turned all the way off

#2 - i have a day off today

#3 - it's a saturday

**ghost with the most**

w/e im coming from the basement so if you hear smth it's probably me

**the lydster**

??

k

_ 5:57 PM _

**the lydster**

why are you wearing roller skates inside the house

and why are you not wearing a helmet

**ghost with the most**

because they look cool on me

lydia i don't know if you noticed but i am a very cool person

i even painted them to have stripes

**the lydster**

beej you almost crashed twice

and you struggled to get up and down the stairs to the basement

don't think that i didn't notice

and also you need a helmet??? delia and barbara would not be happy rn

**ghost with the most**

damn when the maitlands said “maitlands 2.0” i didn't know they meant a mini version of themselves

**the lydster**

shut up

just go find out what my present(s) are

| - |

_ 6:00 PM - february 14th _

“Cooler Kids”

******Adam ☆:** and I'm thinking purple (maybe dark purple?) and black streamers

 **Barbara♡:** yeah that would fit L’ia

 **Charles♤:** The dark purple would look nice

_L. Shaggoth (ID: demonstraightfromhell) joined the conversation_

**Charles♤:**????

 **L. Shaggoth:** um

 **L. Shaggoth:** hello fellow adults

 **L. Shaggoth:** taxes amirite

_Adam ☆ has kicked L. Shaggoth from the conversation_

| - |

_ 6:03 PM - february 14th _

[ghost with the most -> the lydster]

**ghost with the most**

WHAT THE FUCK

I CANNOT

BELIEVE??????

**the lydster**

woah what am i getting??

**ghost with the most**

well

you have the honor of getting purple and black streamers

**the lydster**

damn

really?

**ghost with the most**

no

i did not find out ANYTHING because MY OWN BOYFRIEND kicked me out

**the lydster**

wow lmaooooo sucks to suck

**ghost with the most**

lydia why did you not tell me that it literally tells everyone that you join a chat

**the lydster**

idk

i forgot

my bad

**ghost with the most**

my bad……..

w/e i’m gonna go break adam’s tiny town

jk i would never do that

i’m gonna put delia’s phone back so don't make fun of me when i come back

**the lydster**

aight

| - |

_ 6:12 PM - february 14th _

“ménage à trois”

******beetleman:** ADAM

 **beetleman:** I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS BETRAYAL

 **beetleman:** WHY DID U??? KICK ME OUT??

 **plaid:** Because it was obvious on what you were trying to do

 **pottery:** yeah

 **beetleman:** oh?? then what was i doing?

 **beetleman:** huh

 **beetleman:** HUH

 **plaid:** You were trying to figure out Lydia’s gift? 

**plaid:** Why else would you join around the groupchat the time of her birthday when we had it for like, 2 months

 **beetleman:** mONTHS???????,

 **pottery:** sorry darling

 **plaid:** Plus you already have your gift chosen out and everyone except Lydia knows because you kept bragging

 **beetleman:**.

 **beetleman:** we will discuss this later

 **beetleman:** i'm gonna go disable Lydia's phone again

 **beetleman:** ily 2

 **plaid:** ILYT

 **pottery:** ilyt!!

| - |

_ 6:20 PM - february 14th _

[ghost with the most -> mom]

**mom**

AAAAAAAA

WHAT THE FUCK

BEEJ IM GONNA KILL YOU

**ghost with the most**

huh wtf did i do

**mom**

THIS IS ??LYDIA

I HAVE TO USE DELIA’S PHONE NOW

GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK

I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE

**ghost with the most**

umm

im sorry u have the wrong number

**mom**

I LITERALLY SEE YOU ON THE FRONT PORCH

**ghost with the most**

who's wednesday

**mom**

BEETLEJUICW I SWEAR

I WILL KILL YOU TWICE

**ghost with the most**

im going into my room

**mom**

BEEJ

GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK!!!!!!

oh my god you really went through the wall

**ghost with the most**

lmaoooooo why are your texts between this girl so corny

**mom**

oh my god

beej if you give me my phone back i’ll give you 20 dollars

**ghost with the most**

you can’t buy my silence with money

**mom**

BEEJ PLEASE

**ghost with the most**

wiat omg this is kinda cute??? cute but corny

is this the girl you’ve been telling me about

**mom**

yes,,,,,,,,,,,

**ghost with the most**

wow

lydia laurens deetz-maitland, picking up chicks since 2006

**mom**

can you not

plus i don't even think she likes me

**ghost with the most**

uh huh

“i’ll wish for another day we can see each other once more” - 2:43 am from wednesday

“sleep tight ma chéri, love you” - 11:57 pm from wednesday

lydia i can go on

**mom**

i thought those she meant that platonically,,

**ghost with the most**

if ur crush is texting you past midnight about how they wish they could see you again then there's a 30-50% chance they mean it platonically

**mom**

fuck

FUCK

**ghost with the most**

wednesday been YEARNING while you're just walking into the wall

I’M LOOKING AT THESE MESSAGE SHE LITERALLY SAID YEARN

lydia “dummyhead” deetz

that's your new contact name on my phone

**mom**

but what if she DOES mean it platonically and im the only lesbian in this town and you’re just stupid

i don’t want to ruin the friendship i have with her

**ghost with the most**

kid you gotta take some risks some time

plus if you're such good friends with this girl then i doubt a small crush would ruin it

it's like it that movie we watched last week::

“carpe diem, seize the day”

**mom**

first off, it’s not a small crush

its so big that i think all the water in my body has evaporated and turned into pure affection for wednesday

but

you might be right

**ghost with the most**

last time i checked i’m always right

**mom**

i find that hard to believe

**ghost with the most**

it is because i checked

**mom**

oh my god

whatever can i just have my phone back now

i have to tell wednesday

**ghost with the most**

yes

**mom**

yay

tyy

**ghost with the most**

im gonna go eat a poptart now

maybe i’ll eat two

**mom**

umm no i don't think so

there is only two left and dad always gets the poptarts i like

so no

**ghost with the most**

why are you cutting my pop tart supply

why don't you buy the one adam gets

**mom**

you must be bonkers if you think im eating a pretzel poptart with cinnamon sugar frosting

if ur gonna eat two then pls save me half

**ghost with the most**

okkk

| - |

_ 7:20 PM - february 14th _

[ghost with the most -> lydia “dummyhead” deetz]

**lydia “dummyhead” deetz**

SHE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**ghost with the most**

OH MY GOD

CONGRATS SCARECROW!!!!!!!!!

**lydia “dummyhead” deetz**

I’M SO HAPPY

HOLY SHIR MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST

**ghost with the most**

LETS PAINT OUR NAILS FOR THE CELEBRATION

**lydia “dummyhead” deetz**

OK

| - |

_ 4:12 pm - february 16th _

“deetz-maitland household”

**gothy teen:** dadam

 **wood carvings:** No

 **gothy teen:** DADAM PLEASE

 **wood carvings:** Barbara told me to tell you no

 **gothy teen:** CURSES

 **gothy teen:** MAMAN WHY

 **angel:** L’ia, last week you got Adam to do your math and history homework for you the entire week

 **angel:** you and i know that Adam is easy to trick

 **gothy teen:** shoot

 **biodegradable:**??trick

 **biodegradable:** scarecrow how did you manage to do that

 **angel:** she asked Adam for help and then left to take a “break” for an hour while Adam finished it

 **angel:** when i told Adam to stop falling for it, Lydia started saying “oh no, history and math homework that i have no clue how to do, it would be a shame if it went undone”

 **biodegradable:** did it work

 **angel:** I HAD TO HOLD HIM BACK

 **gothy teen:** w/e i got a 94% on the history and a 89% on math anyways

 **dad:** Stop tricking Adam into doing your homework Lydia

 **delbroa:** Yeah!

 **delbroa:**.

 **delbroa:** Please stop changing my name into wild versions of Delia

 **gothy teen:** but its funny

 **biodegradable:** and idk how to spell it

 **gothy teen:** yes you do stop fuckin lying

 **dad:** Lydia

 **gothy teen:** what

 **gothy teen:** WIAT FUCK

 **gothy teen:** WA IT DON’T COUNT THAT

 **angel:** 2 quarters in the jar L’ia

 **gothy teen:** I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY

 **gothy teen:** plus the swear jar is STUPID

 **gothy teen:** how come bj gets to swear and i can't???

 **delbroa:** Because he’s an adult Lydia.

 **biodegradable:** oh so NOW i’m an adult??

 **gothy teen:** and beej always steals MY money out of there!!!

 **biodegradable:** don’t you have a job

 **gothy teen:** YES BUT I DON’T GET PAID UNTIL WEDNESDAY YOU KNOW THAT

 **biodegradable:** oh yeah

 **biodegradable:** speaking of wednesday

_gothy teen muted biodegradable_

**gothy teen:** no one ask

_biodegradable changed their name to ‘LYDIA HAS A GIRLFRIEND’_

**gothy teen:** BRO FUCK YOU

 **gothy teen:** I SHOULD’VE STABBED YOU IN THE MOUTH AND HANDS WHEN I KILLED YOU

 **dad:** You have a girlfriend? When did you two get together?

 **gothy teen:** like,, two days ago after 5 months of knowing each other,,

 **dad:** What’s her name??

 **gothy teen:** wednesday and before you interrogate me any further she's very nice and she loves me very much

 **gothy teen:** or so i’ve been told

 **delbroa:** !!!!! Is she coming for your birthday??

 **gothy teen:** she said that she’ll see if she's able to come!!!

 **wood carvings:** I’m so proud of you Lydia!!!

 **wood carvings:** I remember my first girlfriend

 **angel:** i’m your first girlfriend Adam!!

 **wood carvings:** Yes and I remember you!!

_LYDIA HAS A GIRLFRIEND changed their name to ‘was i your first boyfriend’_

**wood carvings:** No actually

 **wood carvings:** I dated a guy in my freshman year of high school but he moved away the day before the last day of that year

 **wood carvings:** and i’ve never seen or talked to him since

 **dad:** That happened to me too!!

 **dad:** There was this guy working at this bakery in my sophomore year

 **dad:** the bakery closed at 12:20 and I had theatre so I was always after school late so I went to the bakery for a muffin after we were done

 **dad:** He supposedly moved away though :(

 **gothy teen:** wait dad you did theatre????

 **dad:** Yeah? I thought I told you that?

 **gothy teen:** well i don't remember

 **gothy teen:** did mom do theatre too?

 **dad:** No, but she always went to our shows every night! :)

 **gothy teen:** every night??? don’t those cost money

 **dad:** $3, Emily didn't really care I guess? She just wanted to support me since we were really close friends at the time :)

 **gothy teen:** cute

 **gothy teen:** DELIA did you ever have a crush on someone the same gender as you??

 **delbroa:** maybe?? i never thought about it since my parents forbid me to date growing up

 **gothy teen:** huh

 **gothy teen:** inch resting

 **gothy teen:** maman what abt u?

 **angel:** december 19th, 2012

 **wood carvings:** oh boy

 **angel:** i was walking from a local coffee shop because i liked their hot chocolate

 **angel:** then thsi

 **wood carvings:** Okay Barbara I love you but I’m gonna stop you there

 **gothy teen:** why did you stop her adam

 **wood carvings:** She always gets slightly sad after thinking of it :(

 **angel:** SHE WAS SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND SHE AKWAYS HAD THE MOST INTERESTING STORIES

 **angel:** THEB ONE DAY SHE JUST. DIDN’t COME TO THE COFFEE SHOP

 **angel:** THEN AFTER ONE MONTH OF HER NOT COMING I CRIED TO THE POINT I FEKLT EXHAUSTED

_was i your first boyfriend changed their name to ‘:(’_

**angel:** i will forever miss that girl

 **angel:** but i have two amazing people in my life now !!!! so all i hope is that she's doing good

 **wood carvings:** <3!!

_:( changed their name to ‘ <33333!!!!!’_

**angel:** <3333!!!!!!

_< 33333!!!!! changed their name to ‘this was a nice experience but can i be unmuted now’_

**gothy teen:** no wait 3 more minutes

_this was a nice experience but can i be unmuted now changed their name to ‘fuck you’_

**wood carvings:** Speaking of the number 3 and waiting

 **gothy teen:** that was a terrible transition

 **wood carvings:** Lydia you need to wait 3 more days to find out what you're getting

 **gothy teen:** fine

_gothy teen unmuted fuck you_

**gothy teen:** okay can i have my presents now

 **wood carvings:** OEDKKD WHAT

 **gothy teen:** dadam that keysmashing don’t look right

 **wood carvings:** Lydia just because you unmute BJ doesn't mean you get your presents early

 **gothy teen:** well you said 3 days so i figured if beej had to wait 0 minutes i’d get them asap

 **wood carvings:** Lydia I said 3 days because your birthday is in 3 days!

 **gothy teen:** ohh

 **fuck you:** HGSGBFYKF YOU THOUGHT

 **fuck you:** oh wait

_fuck you changed their name to ‘biodegradable’_

**biodegradable:** :))

 **gothy teen:** hhhh fine

 **gothy teen:** i’ll wait 3 more days I GUESS

 **dad:** Why do you care so much for your gifts this year anyways? You weren't this on about it last year.

 **gothy teen:** well i made a list this year

 **gothy teen:** and

 **gothy teen:** nevermind

 **biodegradable:** when someone says ‘nevermind’ after saying ‘and’ there's a 90% chance that they want to actually talk about the subject at hand

 **gothy teen:** beej shut up

 **biodegradable:** excuse me

 **biodegradable:** was that a demand or an invitation to a fist fight

 **gothy teen:** it wasn't a demand but since you accused me the second option is looking real nice right now

 **wood carvings:** Woah calm down here

 **wood carvings:** Don’t kill each other

 **gothy teen:** speaking of kill

 **biodegradable:** UM

 **biodegradable:** I’M SCARED??SOMEONE LOOK FOR MY SAFETY??

 **gothy teen:** i’m not gonna kill you dumbass you're already dead i’m talking about something else

 **biodegradable:** oh yeah

 **biodegradable:** it's a blur now after you killed me recently with horrid art but like, go ahead

 **gothy teen:** whatever

 **gothy teen:** it wasn't even recent that was 3 months ago

 **biodegradable:** IT IS UNDER THE NUMBER 5 SO IT IS INDEED RECENT

 **gothy teen:** betel “no sense of numbers” guese

 **biodegradable:** that makes NO sense whatsoever

 **biodegradable:** and why did you spell my name like that

 **gothy teen:** isn't that how you're supposed to spell it

 **gothy teen:**?? beej don’t you say “beetlejuice” so its easier for charades

 **gothy teen:** i’ve seen your birth certificate

 **biodegradable:** idk what ur going on about...but you kinda sound dumb idk..

 **gothy teen:** you absolute RAT MAN i have evidence this time

 **biodegradable:** uh huh… like the time you had evidence that you didn't eat my chocolate chips

 **gothy teen:** SANDY ATE THEM AND YOU KNOW IT

 **biodegradable:** lies lies LIES LIES LIES

 **gothy teen:** i know its in march but i will not hesitate to repeat the ides of march, congratulations you’ve been casted as caesar

 **biodegradable:** denny’s parking lot, 3 am/spooky hour, bring your seconds

 **gothy teen:** i am not going to duel you at 3 am

 **dad:** No one is fighting anyone!!

 **biodegradable:** coward

 **biodegradable:** lydia you just upgraded from dummyhead to COWARD

 **gothy teen:** at least i upgraded unlike some people here….

 **biodegradable:** wh

 **biodegradable:** why would you say that about me

 **biodegradable:** like i genuinely don't understand why would you say that about me

 **biodegradable:** lydia laurens deetz-maitland sleep with one eye open

 **gothy teen:** i haven't slept in two days so fucking FIGHT ME

 **biodegradable:** OHHHH SO NOW YOU WANNA FIGHT

 **delbroa:** STOP FIGHTING!!!

 **delbroa:** AND PLEASE CHANGE MY NAME

_gothy teen changed delbroa’s name to ‘amethyst’_

**amethyst:** thank you

 **angel:** seriously though, you guys need to stop fighting so often. remember the nerf gun battle?

 **biodegradable:** whatever

 **gothy teen:** whatever

 **biodegradable:** don’t copy me, plebeian

 **gothy teen:** WHATEVER im going to take a nap

 **wood carvings:** Lydia it’s 5 PM

 **gothy teen:** time is a construct made by man

 **dad:** Well set an alarm because we're having waffles for dinner

 **gothy teen:** barbara is making them right

 **dad:** Yes

 **gothy teen:** alright i’ll see you at 7

 **gothy teen:** good night

 **biodegradable:** it's still 5

 **gothy teen:** GOOD NIGHT

**Author's Note:**

>  **biodegradable:** i just realized i never told my story
> 
>  **gothy teen** : it's 5 am go the fuck to bed
> 
>  **biodegradable:** anyways
> 
>  **biodegradable:** i was in college and i'm about to go down on this ROCKING TWINK
> 
>  **angel:** oh my god
> 
>  **biodegradable:** and i was like: "wait a second,
> 
>  **biodegradable:** what would leonard bernstein do??"
> 
>  **gothy teen:** fuck OFF you got that from a JOHN MULANEY SKIT


End file.
